Wanna Play?

I used to play. I used to draw and paint a lot when I was a kid. I did it just for the fun of it. There was something so uncomplicated, simple and pure about it. I was not out to impress anyone.

I remember getting my first camera. I took pictures of my dog and my family. I took pictures of fields and cows. My friend and I made little stages and set up miniature scenes populated with figures made of modeling clay and took pictures of them. This was back when creativity was play for me. 

My therapist used to talk about self-actualization. I had an inkling as to what this meant. I looked it up and saw that basically it meant coming to be all that I have the capability of being - reaching my potential. She saw in me so many untapped resources and talents. Fear of failure and lack of motivation had me frozen like Bambi on Highway 9.

At some point. exploring and cultivating my talents naturally, through play, became forced, laborious and scary. This happened in part, I believe, because I began doing some of these things as a career. So naturally, my work was judged at every turn. There was constant pressure to create something quickly that everyone loved.

I became calculating, tentative, self-conscious and self-berating when I tried to paint. As my life got more and more nuts, these traits manifested themselves in many areas of my life. Trying or doing new things started to feel way too risky. Fear and self-centeredness began to bind me tighter and tighter.

I eventually turned to others for help. I sought help through a church, a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a 12-step program. I read self-help books and studied Buddhism. All roads seem to lead in the same direction. They all seem to result in a release from this self-limiting state.

I was reading observations of Abraham Maslow who said -

Common traits amongst people who have reached self-actualization are:

• They embrace reality and facts rather than denying truth.

• They are spontaneous.

• They are ‘focused on problems outside themselves’.

• They ‘can accept their own human nature in the stoic style, with all its shortcomings’, are similarly acceptant of others, and generally lack prejudice.

These are not unusual traits of those in recovery who I think of as “old-timers who work a good program”.

That description also seemed to fit my therapist and other people who I saw living very fulfilling and peaceful lives. I find it fascinating that these traits either lead to, or are a result of, ‘being all that I can be’.

All I know is that the longer I stay sober, stay in integrity, help others and put one foot in front the other, my fears and self-consciousness seem to be lifting. It is exiting. I have begun to write, take pictures again and get into physical fitness. I am enjoying my work again. Maybe someday I will paint again.

At times, I am even beginning to feel a little playful.

Hold that thought...

James