Sorry Son of a Gun

When I got into recovery, I was not surprised that one of the steps was making amends. I must have learned that from popular culture. Initially, it was the least of my worries.

By the time my sponsor and I began working on the ‘grudge list’ we made in step four, I was beginning to worry about approaching the people that I believed had wronged me and claiming my part in the conflict.  I was, although, anxious to make amends to the people whom I had harmed, but had no anger towards.

My guide was always there to pull me back from the clutches of the future and help me to concentrate on the step I was on. He would assure me that by the time I got to that step, I would be ready. He was right. I was able to make my amends with a number of people that I really love, some of whom I was very angry with when I stopped drinking. Most of the relationships survived but a couple did not.

Something magical happened when I found my part in the scenarios surrounding my resentments. Recognizing something, anything I had done to contribute to the conflict was powerful. I began to forgive. I began to suspect that I may not have been the victim I thought I was.

Something even more amazing happened when I claimed this as honestly as possible to the other person. Ignoring what they might have done to me, I shared my shortcomings and stating a true desire to not repeat the behavior. After quietly letting the other person share their thoughts and perspective, the anger that remained diminished even more.

I did this to unload the weighty, guilty mess I walked into recovery with. But now the process is committed to my memory and I have to use it fairly often to keep my relationships relatively healthy and my conscience as clear as possible.

Today, I have a deep faith in the effectiveness of the process and direct experience with the gifts I receive when I humble myself and do it. But, often I still balk. My ego will say to me, “It’s not that bad, it will all pass if I just act like nothing happen. I should just keep my head down all will be forgotten. It’s not like I’ll drink over this little spat.”

Truthfully, I occasionally take this attitude and ride out small resentments, and yes sometimes it does pass without me having to take that unpalatable action. To what degree are relationships compromised? I won’t ever really know. How much does it affect my overall attitude and days following? It is hard to quantify.

When I let too many of these resentments fester - first my serenity goes and all my relationships begin to suffer. The effect is cumulative. I become restless, irritable and discontent. This sets me up for all kinds of trouble.

Going the route of letting the resentment pass with no action is also a long and painful process even when it works. Dealing with it as suggested is like pulling that adhesive bandage off quickly. It’s over faster, but with a sharp pain to the ego.

Honestly, I have a couple of little ones rolling around in my head right now. Time will tell what I do with them.

Hold that thought...

James