Stuck on Stupid

Not feeling good? Trying overeating a bunch of crap. Try charging a bunch of stuff on a credit card you can’t pay off. Try sleeping all day. Try drinking until you wake up outside in your own pee.

I think that is what they mean by ‘stuck on stupid’. Through experience, I know that I start feeling positive, hopeful and full of life when I do the opposite of everything I just mentioned above. Does that stop me from trying it again and again? So far, not (expept for the drinking and peeing part).

Wallowing in the mire of my self pity and destructive tendencies used to be something I had no antidote for, hence that kind of behavior used to be a very dangerous thing for me to dabble in. The last two days’ descent into the muck was sparked by not feeling well physically and trying to take a little break from a exercise and writing. For most people that would not be such a difficult thing. For this recovering alcoholic and addict, it can be tricky. 

The difference today is that I knew where I was going to be last night. I knew that it was going to make everything better. Once I got my lame ass to this meeting set out under a giant hack berry tree, under the hummingbird feeders, on a bluff just off the bay....everything began to be okay. Two hours with folks in that beautiful setting discussing spirituality and fellowship transformed me yet again. It led to having a long leisurely dinner with a new friend discussing the meaning of life and Star Wars pillowcases. Once again, I went to bed knowing that my life is a gift and that I would most likely be getting up and going back to the gym in the morning - that everything was okay.

In the midst of my self-inflicted mood, I posted some dribble about my little struggle on Facebook and a friend who naturally thinks a little differently from me suggested I spend some time with friends. I knew he was right, and I knew where to find them.

So the bad news is that I still behave at times like I am being ‘none too smart’. The good news is that I don’t have to stay ‘stuck on stupid’ indefinitely if I do not want to. Any time I wish, I can seek out my fellows, come to the table and join the conversation. I don’t have to talk. I don’t have to entertain. I don’t have to do anything but just suit up and show up. Eventually, the process unwraps me from around my own axle and I can breathe again. I can smile again.

By the way, one of those things I charged yesterday was Bluetooth headphones for music at the gym. Used ‘em this morning, love ‘em. They rock.

Thanks again guys.

Hold that thought...

James