Dear Momma

Happy Mother’s Day. You never call. You never write. :-)

You were in such pain the last time I saw you. I often lay in bed and picture what your face must look like now - relaxed, full of joy and at total peace. Your exit from this world was almost unbearable for us. I thought watching you suffer was going to kill us all, but it did not.

When you left, a part of me was destroyed - it came very close to killing me, but that was my own fault. As if the pain of loosing you was not enough, I made your pain about me. I could not stop thinking about all the things that happened to you that last six months. I worried that some of them were made worse by my inexperienced caretaking. The only thing that eased that guilt was remembering Mary Joan saying, “James, any decision that you and your Dad make - out of love - cannot be wrong, cannot be a mistake.” Thank God for her. That was 17 years ago.

Grief is a long journey no matter what, but Momma, I hurt so badly and drinking made it feel better. Drinking made everything feel better. Because of that, I drank more and more over the next ten years. I am grateful you were not there, because you would have worried about me. I would not have wanted that.

I drank almost everyday for 10 years. I dreamt of you almost every night for 10 years - almost always you had cancer. I got lonelier and lonelier. I got angrier and angrier. I never went back to Reno. At first that was a choice and later I was incapable of making a move that big. I lost most of my friends and did not make new ones. Every year that went by, more alcohol was needed to exist.

Ten years after you died I walked into the rooms of recovery and everything changed. In one day, my whole future changed. I found people who had hurt as bad as I had, and they weren’t hurting like that anymore. They said if I wanted a way out, they would take me and lead me, love me, care for me until I was better. They said there was one condition though, that I pass on to someone else the same gift they were giving me.

It has been like magic. After not too long, I realized that I wasn’t dreaming about you every night. When I dream about you now, you are rarely sick. Thanks to this program, I can dream of you and think of you, and not feel like someone is punching a hole through my chest.

Since then, Daddy and Julie have joined you, and we miss you all. Because of these new friends of mine and the Power they hooked me up with, I did not have to drink when they died.

Time has marched on here, I am 50 years old now. I still love you as much as ever. I appreciate so much all the sacrifices you made for us kids. I appreciate the love you gave us. I just wanted to let you know that my life is so good these days. I feel for the first time that I fit in this world and I enjoy most of my days. I am okay.

I hope you have wireless internet up there. Surely they have Apple in Heaven. Oops, maybe not. Damn that Eve. Have you given that bitch your two cents? They say women have periods because of her!

Give Daddy and Julie a big hug for me. I love ya a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck. See ya soon.

Hold that thought...

James