Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. - Epicurus (341 BC - 270 BC)
I am reminded that I begged for sobriety. I longed to own a house. I hoped for this life I have today.
Now ungrateful, I curse because I can not douse my angers and fears with alcohol. I resent my home for tethering me to discontent. They say happiness is an inside job. They say if you can’t be happy in your own backyard, you’ll never be happy anywhere. They must be happy freekin' mother effers.
So, desire for what I don’t have, desire for people to behave differently, desire for my day to have been easier, desire for anything other than what I already have - leads to discontent.
There are many happy moments in my life, but they usually do not seem to coincide with thoughts of myself and what I don’t have or what I am not getting. When I am mulling over the good people in my life, a half-smile frequently creeps over my face. When I am thinking about how those ‘other people’ are making my life difficult, I get a crease between my eyebrows and everything in my life starts to look worthless.
Fear and anger turn my magical, magnifying mind from a positive, grateful perspective on my life to one that is very negative and uncomfortable. I become rather useless to others and a drag to be around. I get very discontent. I start to want to change the way I feel - muy pronto.
My experience tells me that I can not sit here and think or write myself into ‘not desiring’ anything. Experience tells me to take note of this self-centered focus, thank my higher power for what I have, get up, go shower, kiss the dogs and turn my thoughts to someone that may need my help. Put one foot in front of the other and do the next responsible thing and my thinking will eventually change.
I will eventually bump into some gratitude if I don’t run, don’t hide and don’t drink.
Hold that thought...
James
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