Dark Closets

I have been an imposter my entire life. An imposter is defined as a person who practices deception under an assumed character.


I had learned at an early age that life was easier if everyone thought that I was just like them or better than them. The problem was that no matter how hard I tried, they saw right through me. So, I would just try harder. I only fooling myself. Most of the time I was actually quite impressed with myself.


Every adolescent boy on the playground new for a fact that I was different. They sensed that I was more like one of the girls than like them and did not hesitate to be vocal about it. I could not tolerate that thought. I was 20 years old before I could bring the thought of being gay into the conscious part of my brain.


I know today that I can be gay and one of "the guys". The two are not mutually exclusive. The emergence from the dark closet was gradual and took years of therapy and the help of many enlightened people. Moving to a larger, more cosmopolitan city helped. I have never wanted to be a girl, as much as I adore them.


I can dance as wild as I wish, I can were loud shirts, I can sit with my legs crossed, I can walk with a bit of a swish, talk with a bit of a lilt and the majority of the world does not take issue with it. I suspect those who have a problem with who I am just avoid me. That works out for everyone.


When I got into recovery and started getting a little more honest with myself and others, I began to realize that this character I play is also confident, artistic, worldly, free-spirited, honorable, perceptive, highly intelligent, superior, exceptional and so, so unique. Toward the end of my alcoholism and addiction my role also included being the victim, the persecuted and the wrongly accused.


But hiding in the closet was the real me, a scared, insecure, ordinary, aggressive, deceitful addict/alcoholic of average intelligence. As a light is shone on my true nature, I can begin to be okay with who I am now and begin to become the person that I want to be.


I was ashamed of so many things that turned out to be perfectly normal, and so many of the things I had so vehemently defended about myself, I am all to eager to be rid of today. The more comfortable I become with myself the more I am welcomed into the life of others. I am blessed with many friends today, gay and straight, drinkers and non-drinkers.


Beware dark closets.


Hold that thought...
James