Under the Lash

Under the lash of alcoholism and addiction, I have been forced to find a spirituality that I am becoming a little more comfortable with every day.

My sister and I both sought help from a 12 step program, she at a very young age and I in my mid-forties. She was somewhat connected with it for the rest of her life. She remained very troubled through the years. We didn't speak the last three years of my drinking and using. We were reconnected via my ninth step amends. In the process of the amend, she said she no longer attended meetings because she found the "God talk" unbearable. I had been struggling with the same thing from the first day in the program.

Six months later she committed suicide. My sponsored had already shared with me that he believed everyone treats their alcoholism one way or another. We either drink, do drugs, find a spiritual (or meaningful) life or commit suicide. Loosing my little sister came with a flood of thoughts and emotions, but her gift to me may have been a wake-up call. I needed to find out why other people's opinions and beliefs made me so crazy or it just may kill me. I had to uncover my part in the whole mess.

She and I had so many traits in common that seemed to be tied to my animosity toward religious people. Her death was the catalyst for an extensive inventory, fifth, sixth and seventh step for me. The prayers for help that emerged in the seventh step are now a part of my daily eleventh step. The process has been effective enough for me to still be comfortably attending meetings six years later. I am also able to share (outside of meetings) my experience with others who do not share the mainstream religious beliefs of most people in the deep South of the USA.

The way our founders crafted and set down the program has never made me uncomfortable, as they took great pains to design an all-inclusive spiritual path, defined only by the individual. But, many times as people take turns sharing their "experience" in the rooms it can sound like everyone is voting for the denomination or deity of their choice - intended or not. Damaged people like my sister and myself can feel unwelcome anywhere, on the fringes of society and possibly damned to hell for being who we are. So, as compelled as I can sometimes be to share my personal spiritual beliefs in a meeting, I try to bite my tongue and remember that someone's comfort in that room is more important that any ego-driven urge to do it.

If it wasn't for the book our program is based on, old-timers with sufficiently leveled egos and the help of an awesome sponsor, I would have fled by now. Of course it was only the lash of alcoholism that kept me around long enough to do the work required to get some relief from my fears.

Surely. I will meet some of you as I trudge the Road of Happy Destiny!

Hold that thought...
James