Exposed

Keeping my thoughts to myself seems to keep me focused on problems and negativity. Communicating my thoughts to others seems to lead towards solutions, hope and/or gratitude. When I lay my crazy thinking bare, the flaws are exposed and I am shamed into looking at things differently.

Some mornings I can hardly even imagine sitting down in front of a keyboard and sharing my gloomy, maudlin, bitchy, depressing thinking with anyone. When I do it anyway, something interesting happens. When the light of day is shone on my self-destructive thinking it seems, most of the time, to have the effect that bucket of water did on the Wicked Witch of the West.

I guess in a way, sharing comes with accountability. Unfortunately, I feel very free to abuse myself in the privacy of my own cranium. My goodness gracious, what would the neighbors think If they saw me commiserating with this struggling, recovering, fallible child of God. Behind shuttered windows, I sit here sharing a cup of coffee with him, running endless over his shortcomings, flaws and fears - stoking the fires of his pessimism. Shameless.

Of course everyday is not like this. Many days I wake full of enthusiasm, hope and contentment. Some days I am somewhere in between those extremes. But, the days I resist writing or sharing are the days when I am not feeling so good, ironically the days that I really need to do it. I can hardly contain myself when everything is coming up roses. I could ramble endlessly to all who are kind enough to listen, but on the dark days - I resist.

Lately, I have been wearing life like a horse hair robe and sharing has been difficult. Experience tells me though, that persistence is in order, and I must keep laying my thinking bare. So there.

Hold that thought...
James