Children of Chaos

I wasn’t too long in recovery before someone brought Rule 62 to my attention. If you know me, you know why.

The term is from a book on the traditions of the program I belong to. It tells a story of a grandiose group of recovering alcoholics who dreamed up a grandiose plan. To execute the plan, they decided that 61 rules and regulations would be required. Well their plan did not come off like they hoped, and it sent the group spinning. After the dust settled, the head promoter of the plan proposed Rule 62: “Don’t take yourself too damn seriously.”

The book refers to us alcoholics as “Children of Chaos.” For me this term fits, and it meant that for many years I spent a great deal of time devising plans to manage and fix my life - to keep myself out of trouble. Managing chaos required a great deal of complex, serious and self-centered thought. It also made me crazy.

Sobriety and a new design for living has taken me out of harms way, but my mind still comes up with all these grandiose plans that require complex thought and planning on my part. My brain still thinks it needs to come up with a master plan that will make everything perfect.  Adrenaline pumps as I run countless scenarios, coming up with an endless list of rules for myself and others to follow.

It all sets me up for resentment and disappointment at myself and those around me. Overestimating my power and importance causes me to over-react when things go wrong because my ego is completely entwined in the situation. I take the “failure” personally and become overly angry and frustrated with myself and anyone else involved.

Before I complicate this concept any further, I will tell you that when I first came into the program I could not, as hard as I tried, understand what taking myself too seriously meant. I consider myself intelligent, but I found this impossible to really understand - kind of like Einstein’s theory of relativity. It sort of gave me a headache.

I am a gardener and this analogy helped me to finally picture what taking myself too seriously meant. I asked myself, “What would taking a garden too serious look like?” I thought, it could be ripping all the plants out because a worm ate one of them. It could be seeking retribution because someone stepped on one of my seedlings. It could be flogging myself for using the wrong fertilizer mix. It could be losing hours of sleep trying to come up with a way to manage how many blooms would open the next day. It could be coming up with 61 rules for myself and my friends to follow that would ensure a  picturesque and perfect garden.

Interesting... The other day,  I put a picture of my garden on Facebook so everyone could see how talented I am, and a friend responded with a compliment for God. A comment on his great work and artistry. On another day that really would have ticked me off.

See why I need you guys?

Hold that thought...

James