Faker

For most of my life I considered myself neurotic. Even in the good times, depression and frustration were lurking around the corner to take me down. Towards the end of my drinking though, they were near constant companions. 

Anger, negativity, worry and sadness seemed the norm in the house I grew up in. I was so determined not to be like the rest of my family, so I tried desperately to be happy. Ultimately, I would just tell myself that I was happy. I would tell myself that I refused to be depressed. I would just put on a mask and fake it. With the help of the right combination of drugs and alcohol, I was able to pull this off for a good, long while.

In the last few years of my drinking though, the mask was coming down. It was becoming increasingly harder and harder to get through the workday without people seeing what was really going on in my mind.

I had such an issue with anger and frustration. Most days, the people and situations at my work, were something I barely endured. In my mind, a successful day at work was one that I got through without anyone knowing how angry or miserable I was. The fact that my coworkers often looked at me with a little fear in their eyes seemed okay as long as they didn’t call me on it. I will never forget going off on someone at work and them looking at me and saying, “You just aren’t a very happy person, are you?” That made me very, very angry.

I was in so much fear that each day was going to be the day that I would totally loose all control. My solution was to hold on until I could get home and take a drink. Of course the next morning meant waking up with awful dread and fear of the day to come.

Today, I don’t try to manage my moods. I am not a person that can control my moods. I don’t get to decide how I feel anymore. The idea that I could, was only an illusion for me anyway. I am so thankful for the person in the program that said to me, “It’s okay, not to feel okay.” My feelings and moods don’t scare me like they used to. I don’t have to hide them. Why?

I now have so many tools, so much help and so many people who know exactly who I am and love me anyway. My darker days are now more transient. Without drugs and alcohol, they go as freely as they come  - if I use the tools of prayer, meditation, writing, sharing honestly with others and giving myself to service no matter how I feel.

I was nuts today. I struggled today; but I am going to bed sober with faith, based on experience, that tomorrow will most likely be different. I will go back to work - back to share the day with coworkers that I have a good relationship with. I will meet with my fellows after work and I will share with them honestly that I wasn’t so great yesterday, and I will not be judged. I have nothing to hide today.

I am safe. I am loved. It was a good day, because I did no harm to myself or others, and I go to bed clean and sober.

Hold that thought...

James