Unbalanced

In the rooms of recovery, I have often heard someone in the first year-or-so speaking of needing to find a balance between the time spent on their program and their "normal" life. My observation has been that these statements so often precede a relapse. I could be wrong, as I often am, but my reaction to my observation seems to have served me well. I consciously decided that the words "too many meetings" were not going to come out of my mouth. I decided to avoid the word "balance" altogether in early sobriety.

A knack for maintaining balance has never been in my portfolio of assets. I have some very good qualities, but that is definitely not one of them. Shoot, for the last few years of my drinking, to maintain any kind of balance, I had to lay on the floor! Seriously though, things have always been all or nothing, clinging or running, obsessing or avoiding. If something feels good, I want to do it until I am sick of it. I have historically been as good at managing the balance in my life as I was managing my drinking and using. Without help, self-seeking motives and justifications step in and color my judgement on how I need to achieve this balance. Things like, "You need fewer meetings and more time for yourself. More TV, yeah that's the ticket." This is the same kind of thinking that kept me miserably intoxicated for so long.

My program has a wrench for every nut. It is a spiritual program of action that will work in all my affairs, not just for my drinking. So, I was encouraged to just concentrate on making it my top priority and emerse myself as much as possible in it. One of the results of trying my best to do that, has been the development over time of constructive and healthy interests outside the program. Exercising or visiting friends or family are now on my radar. Today, I find it challenging to find the time to write and work with others. Slowly, good, healthy living is being introduced at a natural pace into my new life.

These developments are in no way a result of my managing, strategizing or planning. They are a result of unity, taking and practicing the 12 Steps of recovery and self-sacrificing service. Those things plus a healthy dose of prayer and meditation are transforming my life. All I have to do is show up and participate.

I would still describe my life as more out of balance than balanced, but the progress I am beginning to see is a wonderful gift. At first I was just really grateful that I could navigate my way through a room without falling. Now, I'm grateful that with help I am able to navigate through a life that is becoming a little richer and a little more varied every year.

Thanks for keeping me on my feet.

Hold that thought…

James