Grow Up!

Someone wise once said, "The lesson will continue to present itself until it is learned."

I don't know about you people, but when a lesson presents itself in my life, getting to the other side is rarely enjoyable. That is true whether the lesson is learned or not. Being a person that has a rather powerful aversion to discomfort, for most of my life my solution has been staying anesthetized or distracted from the lesson.

This tendency was even reflected in my traditional education. I did not enjoy attending classes in college, so I would either find something 'better' to do or I would get very high before going. Squeaking by with very low but passable grades, I did not have to retake any classes. I suspect if I had they would have seemed just as difficult and new as when I passed through the first time 'unteachable'.

In real life though, this approach was killing me. Though therapy and the intensive daily regime of a 12-step program, I am becoming a tad more teachable every day. I did not realize that I had been repeatedly experiencing different variations of the same lessons. For example, life has a seemingly inexhaustible supply of scenarios to run to teach the value of honesty. Don't even get me started. If you were to place every lesson on honesty I have flunked - end to end they would probably reach to the moon and back.

I hear people say that every difficulty in life is an opportunity for growth. I believe that if I am not teachable, listening and willing to seek help, it is just another opportunity for pain and/or self destruction. If I am not in the right place mentally and spiritually, what doesn't kill me certainly has the possibility to make me nuts.

You may say, what does this have to do with growing up. (Or you may not.)

Well, I believe that it is these valuable lessons, if learned, that mature me emotionally and spiritually. While normal people were showing up for life's lessons, I was smoking in the boy's room. Of course one does not have to be an addict or alcoholic to be unteachable, that is just the way I roll.

Many people in the rooms of recovery believe that an addict or alcoholic ceases growing emotionally and spiritually when they begin to rely on alcohol and drugs to negotiate life. So at 44 years old I walked into sobriety a emotional teenager, and am now in my early 20's. My therapist who is not in recovery nor specializes in any kind of addictions had already diagnosed me "emotionally immature". Ouch.

I buy all this hook, line and sinker. Why? It explains so many things that have so long baffled me about my difficulties, especially in the area of relationships with friends, lovers, coworkers, bosses and family. It explains why, without help and direction, I still react to situations like an emotional teenager. It also explains why things have gotten better since 2004 when I decided to seek help.

So, I am growing up in public. Making mistakes, doing some makeup work, going for tutoring, retaking tests and growing up a little every day. As much as I would rather look 20 if I am going to have mental and spiritual acne, it just ain't so.

Seriously though, I live a charmed life today, and I am so grateful to have the opportunity to take this journey.

Hold that thought…

James