Showing My Assets

I have been told by some that I am not as bad as I make myself out to be. Granted, the people that usually say this to me are not in a 12-step program. Frankly, I do eat it up when they lavish praise on me.

One of the books we discuss a lot in recovery offers a perfect description of me which at first sounds very contradictory. It describes me as an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. I remember vividly the first time I ever read that statement, and I instantly identified.

At last, someone gets me. I take every backdoor approach I can think of to convince myself and everyone around me that I am a previously undiscovered jewel - long-overlooked and placed on this Earth to delight, entertain and enlighten, this day and for all to come. I fantasize that James will at last be widely recognized as the person whom everyone wants as a friend, the person everyone wants to marry and the person that attracts all to his feet to lap up each pearl of wisdom as it falls from his lips.

I do this out of fear - fear that my assets are lacking. Fear that they are not sufficient to provide what I require to survive this life. I fear that if I just list them outright, you will judge and condemn, you will spot the spin; and I will be labeled a phony, a self-deceived idiot and everyone will again laugh at me.

I can talk endlessly at meetings about myself, yet when the literature or my sponsor ask me to list my assets and the things I have done right along side my shortcomings, I start to sweat. That does not give me the opportunity to qualify each with an "if", a "but" or an "unless". It does not give me the opportunity to craft the presentation to appear and sound humble, tentative.

All these thoughts have come to me over the last 24 hours as, in the interest of balance, I considered a blog listing my assets - I have waxed on a bit already about my shortcomings.

Squirm, squirm

Okay, here goes, assets without crafted, qualifying spin.

squirm

I can be trusted.

I am funny.

squirm

I am a good writer.

I gossip little.

I routinely engage in self sacrificing service.

I am generous.

I am a good dancer.

I am a peace loving person.

I am dedicated and loyal.

I am passionate.

I am punctual.

I am artistic.

squirm

I am intelligent. (See I want to say relatively, but I won't.)

Oh, Baby Jesus that hurt. Dame Risa says, "Courage is the opposite of cozy."

I'm sure that if I continue to participate in the process of recovery the list will evolve. Some things may come off the list, others might be added. Based on the state of my spiritual condition, things on the list will come and go. More will be revealed. 

I am sure from time to time I will be able to count on my fellows to give me a good, swift kick in the assets whenever needed.

Okay, I am an above average writer, who desperately needs and editor and proofreader. Now, that felt good!

Hold that thought…

James