Big Bad Wolf

I make a really bad "Lone Wolf".

By the time I got sober, I was telling myself a lot of lies. One of the biggest of all was, "I don't need 'elfin' anybody." Now. I know I need you guys like the air I breath. My friends and family have truly become the chewy nougat in my Snickers bar. (Some of my friends, of course, the nuts.)

I think this lie of all the lies, was the one that almost killed me. It was the one that kept me from really seeking help for so long. I am fortunate that in the intervening time, I did not kill myself or someone else. There were half-assed attempts at seeking help for years. I sought help from three different priests, a spiritualist, meditation teachers, a psychiatrist and a couple of therapists. The psychiatrist fell asleep in our last session, woke up and called me Bob. My name is not Bob. The last therapist I saw probably saved my life because she told me that she would not treat me unless I attended a 12-step program.

I went to my first meeting that evening. I saw her for the first four years of my sobriety. She was interested in my program of recovery and I shared a lot about it with her. She thought it ironic that so much of the comfort and sanity that I was being given was being given to me through people. You see, I had made it clear to her from the get-go that people were a thorn in my side. They did not understand me, they did not appreciate me and worst of all they were ganging up on me. The dirty bastards! Co-existing with people had been increasingly unbearable. I had a rather large ball of contempt and anger in me. So, I agreed, it as very interesting and unexpected that my it was beginning to look like people would be at the core of my solution.

Years had gone by since I had really made any new friends. I had left a network of quality friends in another state, when I returned home to care for my mother. I was driving away the friends I had left. I remember thinking that if I wanted to hang on to the handful of friends I had left, I needed to avoid them, because whenever I spent time with them there was conflict and trouble. They had every reason in the world to back off from me. Of course, I could not see that then.

In working the Steps, I have been led through a process that has healed some of those relationships. It improved my relationship with my Dad, Sister and Grandmother before they died. But most importantly it is giving me quality relationships with new people in my life. By nature, I am a loner. Which would be okay if it didn't make me miserable. It just doesn't work for me.

I believe today that separation from my "pack" is poison for me. Recovery gives me a safe place and a structure that helps me stay connected with positive and loving people. (Considering they were the hardest party-ers out there, they are also a lot of fun.) Ask any of my good friends or family and they will tell you that I suck at staying in touch. So without the structure I find in recovery, I am fairly sure that I would once again gravitate away from people and towards alcohol and drugs.

As time goes by, I have found other tools that help a lone wolf like me to stay connected to folks. This blog is one of those tools. With a little time in sobriety, I have experienced times of connectedness and I have also gone through periods of emotional disconnection from my fellows. When I am feeling connected with my pack, I am loving you guys, I am content. When I throw up my walls and retreat, things get dark and I start getting restless, irritable and discontent.

Today, I'm loving you guys.

Hold that thought…

James