Endlessly at Odds

I always fancied myself a ‘social activist’. Cocktail in hand, I would rant and rave with no one to listen. When campaign season came around, I found it easier to justify bombarding friends and family with my unsolicited opinions. In fact, I fancied it as my duty. It has caused me trouble.

My tendency in life has been to blame everyone else for my woes. I have always found myself in the minority. Growing up and living in the South as a not-so-christian, gay, liberal does not and will not ever place me in the mainstream. It never got me into a fraternity or the Junior League. It has given me plenty of fodder over which to feel victimized. It has given me an excuse to feel disenfranchised and apart-from; a reason to blame others for my shortcomings and missed opportunities in life. 

The reason that I know today that my opinions are not just sound, social judgements is that they are inflamed, disturbing and serenity-sucking. They can make me feel outnumbered and discouraged. My ego and fears are so interwoven that it is difficult for me to listen to someone who is on the other side of the fence without feeling threatened and angry. This is not sound nor sane.

This is one of the areas I have had to inventory. I had to find my part in these feelings of anger and fear. The fact is,  I tend to focus on the differences between myself and others. I, more frequently than not, shy away from groups and people who might have received me with open arms. I balk at being a brother among brothers and a worker among workers. I have insisted on being either better-than or less-than. I am the one who has placed myself endlessly at odds with my fellows.

I am the one who gives the people around me the power to hurt me. If I truly found my peace and happiness in the spiritual realm, I would not find those around me so threatening. The entire world could ‘go to hell in a handbasket’ and the Master would just see that as an opportunity to help others. But me - I still find my security and rewards in your approval rather than in service to those around me.

Discovering these kind of things in an inventory is just the first step towards their correction. At least I now know the problem is mine and not ‘yours’. That means I can change it with the help of a higher power.

It’s already gotten better.

Hold that thought...

James